Deborah Feldman’s personal memoir Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots (Simon & Schuster), a New York Times bestseller, was an instant success when it hit the shelves in October 2012. In detailing her Hasidic childhood and her transition into married life (the marriage being arranged when she was seventeen, to a boy she had spoken with for thirty minutes prior to the wedding), Feldman speaks honestly—which sometimes means harshly—of her people and the repressive rules they follow, and the sad consequences of such rigid theology and practices.
Feldman writes the memoir soon after she leaves her faith, aided by her attendance at Sarah Lawrence, and although the beginning of the narrative is chock-full of detail, from egg kichel at the bakery her father works at to the burgundy in the cellar where her cousin tries to molest her, the end of the book cuts off in an almost careless hurry. How did she attend Sarah Lawrence, for example, if she and her husband were struggling to get along financially? What happened when her husband found out that she was not attending business classes, as she said she was? How did she fight the community and the courts in order to keep her child after she left? In a way I feel that after describing so much heartache and pain within the marriage—they are unable to consummate the marriage for almost a year, and relations are so tense between them that Feldman develops panic attacks—the emotional exhaustion and the need to move on shows in the loose ends.
However, the chasm between the woman she was expected to be and the woman she actually was created a familiar echo in me, as I too grew up in a conservative religion where gender boundaries were strictly defined. Particularly poignant was Feldman’s description of modesty and of holding the woman responsible for the thoughts and sins of men. “Every time a man catches a glimpse of any part of your body that the Torah says should be covered, he is sinning. But worse, you have caused him to sin. It is you who will bear the responsibility of his sin on Judgment Day” (36). A very similar ideology exists in Mormonism; I was deeply saddened that my former mission president, Tad Callister, recently said this:
However, the chasm between the woman she was expected to be and the woman she actually was created a familiar echo in me, as I too grew up in a conservative religion where gender boundaries were strictly defined. Particularly poignant was Feldman’s description of modesty and of holding the woman responsible for the thoughts and sins of men. “Every time a man catches a glimpse of any part of your body that the Torah says should be covered, he is sinning. But worse, you have caused him to sin. It is you who will bear the responsibility of his sin on Judgment Day” (36). A very similar ideology exists in Mormonism; I was deeply saddened that my former mission president, Tad Callister, recently said this:
The dress of a woman has a powerful impact upon the minds and passions of men. If it is too low or too high or too tight, it may prompt improper thoughts, even in the mind of a young man who is striving to be pure. . . .Women particularly can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self respect and to the moral purity of men. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for.
—Elder Tad Callister of the Presidency of the Seventy, “The Lord’s Standard of Morality,” March 2014 Ensign, 45–49.
In reading Unorthodox I was reminded of Carolyn Jessops’ memoir Escape, which describes Jessops’ life as a Fundamentalist Latter-day Saint (FLDS), which has an even stricter stance towards women than the mainstream LDS Church does. Many of the themes were the same in Jessops’ book: micromanaging control over what is proper sexual behavior or not, very limited knowledge of the physical body, constant injunctions and teachings to obey male leaders and husbands, and the denial of the individual desires and needs of women. Both accounts share in agonizing and intimate detail how their relationships with others and the world were skewed in psychologically harmful ways.
I admire the courage of these women to speak against the abuses of their time and culture. If we are too afraid to blow the whistle on harmful thinking and behavior, no changes can be made to prevent others from experiencing similar oppressive and anxiety-driven lifestyles.
Works Cited
Feldman, Deborah. Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2012.
I admire the courage of these women to speak against the abuses of their time and culture. If we are too afraid to blow the whistle on harmful thinking and behavior, no changes can be made to prevent others from experiencing similar oppressive and anxiety-driven lifestyles.
Works Cited
Feldman, Deborah. Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2012.
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